The · Melancholy · Survivor

Well, since the decision to file for divorce was made final, things seemed to be straying back into 'normal' range. Guess I was fooling myself. The ex seemed to have accepted the way things are and even felt that this was the best way to proceed. I under-estimated her emotional connection, insecurity, and vindictiveness (is that even a word?). Today was my graduation from Massage Therapy school. I was nervous and very excited. After all, I have been working toward this for about two years and have been involved in the very intense program for a year. I had asked her to help me prepare for graduation today. I was going to run a couple of absolutely necessary errands and then shower and shave while she steamed my suit since it has been hanging in a suit bag for a couple of months. Evidently, this morning, she discovered my myspace account or some other 'evidence' that I was considering actually dating again. This pissed her off royally, but I had no idea she was so angry or that anything at all had happened. So, I step out of the shower expecting my suit to be steamed and hanging, ready for me to step into it and head off to the theater, and it was crumpled on the floor, still wrinkled and unkempt looking. I was steamed myself. I was so angry, because I had counted on her help and had not allowed enough time to do these things myself. This was a very important day for me and she picked THIS day to wig out and pick a fight. The graduation card she gave me said "Congratulations" on the front and inside said "Have fun being a desparate pussy sniffer." I was man enough not to point out that she had mis-spelled "desperate" and just decided not to make an issue of it or even comment. A friend and class-mate is going through a similar divorce situation and she was upset as well. I felt so bad for her because she was trying not to cry on what should have been a celebration day. Her situation may be a bit worse because her husband left her and has already taken up with a new girl. Is it silly that I feel guilty for even considering dating only a month or two after we made the decision to split up and before the divorce is legally finalized? I mean, I'm not dating yet, but I have been putting out feelers and sort of making contacts that may turn into dates in the future. I am not one of those people who feel like they need a partner to feel complete, but I love the company of women and I used to actually enjoy dating. I truly look forward to dating again. I used to enjoy the whole process--the first meeting; the first, sort of awkward, date; getting to know another person in a very personal and intimate manner (not just talking about sex here). And I love, and am accustomed to, sex. I am a very sensual, sexual person. I make no apologies about that. I realize that not everyone is of the same mind, and that's fine. I am not "desperate", and I'm not a creepy pervert who only values women for their sexuality, but I like sex and believe I have a right to live my life as I see fit now. I know I fucked up by letting the ex know I was actively looking. That was not only not her business, but I did not even stop to think about how it would affect her emotionally, especially since she seems afraid that I might find someone before her. I honestly don't want to intentionally hurt her; I am just constructed differently and forget that jealousy is still an issue with her even after the 'official' break-up. I don't know if I'm just trying to make myself look better to others with this journal, or if I'm actually working out my own thoughts. I believe I'm working out my own thoughts. That is my intention--to figure out what I feel and why. I realize that I am a sort of selfish person and that I am a little too caught up in my image--both my self-image and the image others have of me. But I am attempting to be completely honest and open about what is going on in my life in this relatively anonymous forum. No, Will Bridges is not my given name. But that one circumlocution allows me to be much more honest about everything else.

I just went through a surprise bout of depression. Thankfully, I don't have to fight chronic depression every day, but every now and then I slip into a funk that can be devastating even if short-term. Most of the time I am a pretty happy guy and stay on a fairly even keel, but these occasional down times really make me wonder how anyone with actual chronic depression even survives day-to-day life. When I get like that, I don't want to get out of bed. When I do finally force myself out from under the covers, it is all I can do just to take care of myself. I didn't eat for nearly an entire day because it seemed more trouble than it was worth just to fix a sandwich. I kind of know how it happened. I was already stressed out to the max and then I got drunk. I don't drink to excess very often anymore, but a couple of years ago it was a real problem. Evidently, I am really sensitive to booze and it depletes my seratonin levels pretty drastically. The next day, not only am I hung over, but my mood is shot for a couple of days. I have to watch that and not let it get out of hand. I just can't afford to have whole days where I don't function properly. I have to make sure I have everything in line for school; I have to take care of my children when they are in my care (they weren't here for this last episode); And I have to maintain a clear head with everything else that is going on in my life. Hitting the booze will only drag me back down to the person I was three years ago and that is not a place I want to go back to. So, I have to keep my chin up or whatever cliche I can identify with so that my life keeps progressing instead of regressing. Besides, if things ever come down to a custody battle (Goddess forbid!), I certainly don't want to hand added ammunition to her lawyer. Discipline is sticking with the plan, even in those times when it seems pointless and futile, because I know it isn't.

I love meeting new people, whether potential romantic connections or just friends. I have a wide variety of interests and can generally find something about a person that is interesting and/or fun. The complication comes in on the romantic side. If I meet someone who is cool, fun, AND attractive, how do I move from the casual 'friends' stage to something more personal? I met a really nice girl this last weekend. She is cute, talented, artistic, and seems like a nice enough person. She was chatty and did not seem repulsed at least by my appearance. Is she interested in me romantically? I have no idea. I don't want to ruin or introduce awkwardness into a friendship by asking out a girl who is a friend but not interested in anything further. On the other hand, if we are already friends and enjoy one another's company, who would make a better date? I would never have thought that I would be so hesitant and nervous about dating. I don't remember having this problem when I was 21. Of course, back then, I took the "Boomhauer" approach. There is an episode of 'King of the Hill' in which Boomhauer shares his dating 'secret' with Bobby. Basically, he just asked out about 25 women within a single morning. He was turned down, slapped, dissed, and otherwise humiliated, but he kept it up and got a couple of phone numbers for his trouble. I used to follow a similar strategy, even asking out girls who I was not interested in or who I knew were not interested in me, just for practice. Now I would feel a little pathetic taking that tactic. I think that some things are acceptable at 21 that are not so much at the age of 30 or over. I guess that maybe I'll just have to still my natural impatience and take it slow. After all, I don't have to bounce right out and get a new girlfriend right away just because I'm single now. If I take my time and let things progress naturally, who knows?
Will

This one is wierd. So many of our dating conventions are sort of skewed to people age 14-21. After all, that IS when most of us do most of our dating. So...how does one go about dating after the age of 30 without appearing juvenile/immature? OR worse--pathetic. It's going to be a real learning experience to say the least. And at what time does a person mention that they are divorced with two children? I haven't figured out yet whether an eternally single man or a divorced father is less desirable as a date. I guess it doesn't really matter since I could hardly build even a casual relationship on deception. And how does a guy go about getting laid without coming off sleazy or desparate? Maybe I need to buy a manual, lol. I discovered, by chance, a lovely lady I really like and want very much to ask out. The problem is that she is a friend and colleague whom I value as a friend and I don't want to make things awkward if she is not interested romantically. I didn't have this kind of ambiguity when I was 21. Things seem a lot more complicated these days. Hopefully it will become slightly more clear with time; I just pray it starts to clear up soon. I really don't like the indecision and emotional confusion that comes with my situation right now.

Who would have ever guessed that a break-up could or would be so difficult and complicated? I find myself all over the emotional spectrum. Sometimes I'm relieved (actually rather often); sometimes I'm depressed over the failure of my marriage; sometimes I am angry, either at the ex, at myself, or at others who think they know what I'm going through but have no fucking clue. I'm just trying to hold onto my sanity. I find myself still feeling a responsibility toward my ex, trying to explain her to others. I thought that was one of the benefits of breaking up--not having to explain her moods and emotional reactions to other people. But I hear other people trash her and it makes me mad. They don't know her. They don't know what she has been through or what she feels or why she does the things she does. Hell, sometimes I don't even know and I've lived with her for almost ten years. Just because I can't live with her anymore doesn't mean she's an evil person or worthy of casual dismissal. One of the reasons we were together so long is because she is one of the most intelligent, sensitive, and interesting people I have ever met. It sort of stands to reason that she would be complicated and neurotic as well, I think. But most folks seem completely unable to process that. They tend to operate on such a shallow and simple-minded level that they think others must be either all good or all bad. Please! Who have I ever met that was either God or Satan? No one, because that whole dualistic idea is nothing more than an over-simplified myth with no pragmatic application to reality. Sure, she's often a bitch. And she is (in my opinion) overly emotional and tend to over-react, often to extreme. But she is one of the very few people that I can talk to who understands more than half of what I'm saying. I can wax philosophical with her and she keeps up with the frantic wanderings of my mind. I can talk about science, art, literature, religion, or any of the other many areas of interest that keep my brain from dying of atrophy in spite of the fact that I now work in a factory. So...I plug along. I make sure I make it to work, in spite of the fact that the lead guy on my line tried to get me fired and I hate every day of it. It helps that I know I'm only going to be there a few months. I can endure almost anything if I know it's temporary, even the dirty, noisy, boring drudgery that is factory work. I am making it through school, in spite of the fact that it is now almost an hour drive and I don't even have the text-book because I couldn't afford it. I keep driving up to spend time with my children, in spite of the fact that it means I have to spend time with their mother as well, though lately she has gotten used to the idea of us apart and so has been much less confrontational. I just keep plugging along. It has to get better eventually. I have a plan and I'm sticking to it, even though it isn't easy. I am not going to be one of those people who gives up because things get tough and then regrets it years later. My internet access is spotty right now, but I'm gonna try to keep posting. We'll see how it all turns out.

I find myself in a quandry I never allowed myself to think about. Just when I finally got (relatively) comfortable with the decision to dissolve my marriage, I have yet another consideration to go over. Every divorce is hell for everyone involved, but the only ones who are truly powerless to effect their situation are the kids. Cliches are a dime a dozen on this subject. 'The kids are the ones who suffer most.' 'If the parents aren't happy, the children won't be happy.' 'You owe it to yourself to be happy.' I could go on and on...but I won't. Because cliches and trite little slogans are a worthless waste of breath when you are dealing with something as serious as the dissolution of a family. And that is what it is, in spite of anyone's best intentions. We are breaking up one family and turning it into two new families. In the literature I have read, almost all the studies that have been done on divorce point to the same conclusion--that children fare better when raised in a two-parent household with an intact marriage. Often, the studies say they fare much better. And, flying in the face of popular opinion, it doesn't seem to make much difference either way if the parents are happy together or not. So it appears that even an unhealthy marriage is better for the kids than divorce. The question becomes, "What are you willing to do for your kids?" Or do without, as the case may be. I find it difficult to justify divorce in my case. I am not being abused--at least not physically. I am not even being cheated on. No, I just want out because I'm not in love and have begun to despise the person who now shares my last name. I don't know exactly what I'm going to do about all this. After all, I'm not the only one making decisions in regard to this matter. I do think I will be taking all this into consideration. Maybe I can find some sort of compromise that I can live with, who knows? We'll see I guess.

As if having a personal web page and a blog is not enough, now I can have my own live journal on the internet and share my most irrelevant musings with the world. Yay! Well, since I already have a place to post my spiritual and philosophical writings, and myspace covers my hobbies, I am going to indulge my inner adolescent and use this for exactly what it says: a live journal. Goddess knows how often I'll actually post here, but I've never kept a diary or journal for longer than a few weeks, so I'm going to attempt it and just see how therapeutic it really is.

I'll start with a quick update. My wife (soon to be ex-wife) is so upset that I don't want to live with her anymore that she has been making special effort to make my life difficult. In spite of the fact that our finances are still intertwined, she claims that the fact that I'm broke and almost out of gas is not her problem. Well, I guess it isn't exactly. So I'm off today to find a job that I can work around my school schedule. I'm moving a little slow right now because I cracked a couple of ribs trying to play football with some younger kids. I stole a Darvoset from my wife so it is bearable, but still hurts whenever I move. I'm almost done refurbishing my old shop building into a studio apartment. I just have to install a toilet and fix the plumbing so I have running water. The leaky roof is just going to have to wait until I start making some money. Yeah, life is rough sometimes, but at least I'm not living in Darfur. As the great Monty Python says, "Always look on the bright side of life!"